Back in the late 80’s we started hearing more and more about
building self-esteem. We had a movement from then on that was about building
self-esteem. The goal was to promote
stable mental health and help people feel better about themselves. Self-esteem involves a global judgement about
ourselves. It often means we have to “be better” than others to feel good about
ourselves. Being average is unacceptable. That is a tough one because no matter how good we are at something,
someone is always going to be better, look better or top what we just did.
Comparing ourselves to another person is always a losing battle. In order to
manage our self-esteem and feel better about ourselves, we have to inflate our
own self-evaluation or put others down so we feel better about ourselves. (Neff K. , 2010) .
In fact, this whole movement of building self-esteem may have actually
had a huge detrimental effect.
Low self-esteem correlates with poorer mental health as it
has increased the likelihood of suicide attempts, as well as affecting the
development of supportive social relationships.
Research also shows that trying to raise low self-esteem artificially
has increased tendencies toward narcissism, antisocial behavior and avoiding
challenging activities that may threaten one’s self-concept. (Hayes, 2014) In fact, one of the consequences of the
self-esteem movement over the last couple of decades is a narcissism epidemic. Jean
Twenge, author of Generation Me, did the research studying the
narcissism levels of over 15,000 U.S. college students between 1987 and 2006. During
that 20-year time period, narcissism scores skyrocketed with 65% of the
students scoring higher in narcissism than previous generations. This
paralleled self-esteem levels which rose by an even greater margin over the
same period. Added to this, self-esteem
has been linked to aggression, prejudice and anger towards those who threaten
someone’s sense of self-worth. Maybe
this is why we also have a bullying epidemic going on right now - kids build up
their egos by beating up other kids. (Neff K. , 2011)
Self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and
stability than self-esteem but doesn’t involve the self-evaluation,
ego-defensiveness and self-enhancement as self-esteem. In other words,
self-esteem involves assessing oneself positively and often this means there is
a need to be special and above average. Self-compassion does not involve self-evaluation or comparison with
others. It merely is a kind way to
relate to ourselves even in our moments of failures or times of feeling
inadequate or imperfect. (Neff K. , 2010) Self-compassion also has the same benefits as
self-esteem (less depression, greater happiness, etc.) without its downsides.
Self-compassion is not contingent on physical attractiveness or success.
Self-esteem had a strong association with narcissism while self-compassion had
no association with narcissism. Other
studies have shown that, unlike self-esteem, self-compassion does not lead to
blaming others in order to feel good about oneself. (Neff K. , 2011)
We all experience times when we have thoughts that are not
positive about ourselves. We can’t prevent young people from experiencing
insecurity and low self-esteem as we know already we haven’t been able to
eliminate those feelings and thoughts within ourselves. People experience
feeling inadequate or imperfect at times. It is part of the human experience. There
is no way to protect our young people from social rejections, personal
failures and family problems. The only thing we can do is to help them have the
tools to deal with life when these things happen. We can help them to respond to self-doubt
with self-compassion.
Dr. Kirstin Neff defines self-compassion as consisting of
using three key strategies during times of personal suffering and failure:
1.
Treating oneself kindly.
2.
Recognizing one’s struggles as part of the
shared human experience.
3.
Holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings in
mindful awareness.
With
these steps it isn’t the content of your thoughts that is important. It is how
you respond to your thoughts that matter. You become mindful of the thought
that came up. If it is a negative
thought about yourself, you notice this thought without getting attached to it
(become mindful), understand that it is common to all humans and part of the
our shared experience as humans, and then treat yourself kindly instead of
beating yourself up.
It
seems that this approach is working better than simply working on improving
self-esteem. In a longitudinal study
that followed 2448 ninth graders for a year, it found that low self-esteem had
little effect on mental health in those who had the highest level of
self-compassion. Even if they had negative thoughts, those thoughts had little
impact on their sense of well-being over time as compared to their peers who
didn’t have self-compassion skills. (Hayes, 2014) So instead of trying to raise the self-esteem
of our children, maybe we should work on giving them the skills to handle life
in general. In summary, this means
that we teach ourselves and our children that we don’t have to think well of
ourselves all the time to be successfully functioning mentally healthy people.
Instead we have compassion as we simply accept that we are one human being
amongst our fellow human beings, that we all have the same human conditions of
self-doubt, suffering, failing from time to time, but that we are all here to
live life with meaning, purpose and compassion for ourselves and others.
Having
self-compassion is learning to treat yourself with the compassion you would treat
a friend.
First
you have to recognize that you are suffering. With a friend, you notice that
they are suffering. You are aware of
their pain. You have to do the same thing with yourself. You have thoughts that
are causing you pain. This requires you to be mindful of the thoughts and aware
that your thoughts are causing you suffering. The next step is to be nonjudgmental
about those thoughts. Just notice the thoughts and let the thoughts come and
go.
Then realize that you’re suffering. Be aware that your thoughts are making
you feel bad. Turn toward your pain, be aware of it, and give yourself
compassion. You have to realize that
your failings, and your moments, are part of the human experience. You are not
alone, but rather you are part of the human experience. This brings us into the
fold of human beings – not isolating us. We are imperfect as humans and our
lives are imperfect. This is normal. And
finally, be kind and loving towards yourself when you are suffering. Dr. Neff even suggests touching your face
affectionately or saying names of endearment to yourself lovingly to be kind to
yourself. You may smile as you think about it, or you may not even be close to
smiling at the thought of being that loving to yourself. But this is a step in
the right direction for yourself, preparing for resiliency in life. If you are
looking for resources, we offer groups that teach these skills. For today, take
one step towards being kind and compassionate towards yourself, just as you
would for a good friend.
Works
Cited
Hayes, S. C. (2014, December 17). Is
self-compassion more important than self-esteem? Retrieved from
www.huffingtonpost.com.
Neff, K. (2010). Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and
Well-Being. Social & Personality Psychology Compass, 5:1-12.
Neff, K. (2011, June 26). Why self-compassion is
healthier than self-esteen. Retrieved from www.psychologytoday.com.
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