With the holidays soon upon us, we may fall into the
pattern of having expectations for the season. The media starts early filling
our heads with the Norman Rockwell themes which flaunt the idea of family
togetherness along with harmony, happiness and closeness that surely fills the
soul. I don’t want to be a downer but rather a realist. First, we make
assumptions that most other people have the “perfect family”, the family we
strive for. The media is rampant with showing us visions of family togetherness
with the perfect gift creating the perfect moment. But just like your family
has its moments, so do all other families. Before you start this process of
looking at your expectations, put aside the assumption that everyone else has
the “perfect family”. I have yet to see the
perfect family and consider normal families to be families who have
difficulties just as you and I.
Next, look at your expectations. Setting up expectations that
we will create that perfect family moment during the holidays will lead to
disappointment. As the expectations lead to disappointments, we miss the
moments we could have had if we had just been content and open to what the
moment might bring. And these little moments might actually have been a “Norman
Rockwell moment” had we not been pushing for things to be a certain way instead
of allowing and being. Set yourself up for success – leave out expectations.
The holidays are a good time to practice this discipline
of no expectations. Perhaps you can ward off getting caught up in the frenzy of
running too much, doing too much, spending too much, eating too much and being
depleted when the holidays do roll around. Consider what you want when you get
caught up in doing too much. We do too much for lots of reasons -- trying to be
loved, making up for feelings of failure, feeling guilty for inadequacies or
wanting to connect in a deeper way. None
of these reasons can be healed through the “doing or overdoing it” mode. And
when we “overdo” something, we “expect” appreciation and gratitude. Most likely
even if we get this, we will not feel fulfilled, as true fulfillment only comes
from the inside out, not the outside in.
So this, too, leads to disappointment.
Look at your expectations for the next two months and
prioritize so you can better manage the holidays and come out feeling that it
was a good couple of months. Consider writing down the expectations you have of
yourself, of others and the expectations that others have of you. First, pay
attention to your own expectations of the holidays – the expectations you have
for yourself. Create a list of what you want to do for the holidays. Consider what you hope to do for gifts,
entertainment and gatherings, cooking and baking, holiday extras such as
holiday cards and letters, pictures, decorating, and whatever else you have
imagined. Bring it from the vision in your head to a list on paper. Consider if
it is a “should” or a “want”, if it is doable or if it will cause you stress.
Weigh in the expenditures as the financial stress will be in the aftermath if
you don’t look at your realistic situation. Take your expectations and pare
them down to what is realistic for your budget, your time, your energy, and
your emotional well-being. If you weigh all of these areas you may be better able
to wholeheartedly enjoy your holidays.
Then, look at the expectations that others have of you.
Formulate a list of things you “should do”. Weigh each item carefully and
realistically. Remember that it really is okay for you to consider what you
emotionally need or can handle. Starting as early as this summer, I realized a
growing number of clients were already feeling the stress of the holidays. The
narratives usually involved the dilemma of how to manage the holiday gatherings
with his/her family of origin. Be realistic. Hanging out with toxic people or
in toxic environments is difficult in your best moments. But often the
preparations to get to the gathering have us exhausted before we arrive, making
our tolerance even lower and making us more susceptible to disappointments.
Remember, if it hasn’t been good in the past, it probably won’t be great that
day. The same people who started the drama or conflict in the past will be
there to start it then. Be realistic, set no expectations, and monitor your own
needs in getting through the holidays. It is up to you to take care of yourself.
If you go to the gathering, go with the idea that you will not have any big
hope that it will be better. Make sure you are well-rested and at your best so
you can manage the situation in a good way. Be accepting of the circumstances
with no expectations that suddenly things will be great and harmony will really
be in the air just because it is the holiday. In this way, you go, but you
don’t set yourself up to be disappointed.
We put many expectations on ourselves during this time of the year with all the things we “should” be doing (the expectations of others). We also put a lot on ourselves regarding the expectations we have on ourselves (hoping to create the perfect moments). Be realistic in what you want to commit to regarding financial commitments, emotional commitments and the physical commitment that goes along with what we choose to do. Give up the assumptions that everyone else has a great family. Do away with expectations of what the holiday might bring. Consider allowing things to roll as they come and be in the moment. It is one of the ways to handle this time with less stress and hopefully, enjoy moments when they come.
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